Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Ontologically Speaking...
My dog's version of the ontological argument goes as such: If there is a tennis ball of which no other tennis ball is greater, that tennis ball exists. SO GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Remember Lyndon's Opinions?
http://lyndonandtheladybirds.blogspot.com/2011/12/real-quick.html
Remember when I said I was going to change this from Lyndon and the Ladybirds to Lyndon's Opinions? LULZ! I haven't done that yet because shit's been cray-cray. Be on the lookout, both of you.
Remember when I said I was going to change this from Lyndon and the Ladybirds to Lyndon's Opinions? LULZ! I haven't done that yet because shit's been cray-cray. Be on the lookout, both of you.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sorry
I apologize for that previous post. It wasn't funny. I only had about five minutes before I had to do something else and I wanted to get that idea off out of my head. If I had just let it gestate a little longer I may have come up with something funnier.
But probably not, because I thought about it a lot while I was tossing in bed with this shitty cold and I didn't come up with anything. Chain fight it is. Ugh.
But probably not, because I thought about it a lot while I was tossing in bed with this shitty cold and I didn't come up with anything. Chain fight it is. Ugh.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
You're Welcome? No Problem!
http://consumerist.com/2011/12/is-no-problem-a-suitable-substitute-for-youre-welcome.html
This is from the Consumerist:
This is from the Consumerist:
People often complain that customer service reps sound like — and sometimes are — reading from a script. So while many of us appreciate it when we speak to someone who treats us in a less-stilted fashion, is there a point where a CSR's tone and diction can become too informal?
Consumerist reader Mike wrote in wanting to know:
“
When did "No Problem" replace "You're Welcome"? I recently spoke to a polite customer service rep and at the end of the call, after I said thank you, he replied with "No problem."
It seemed a touch impolite to me, but after asking other people — all of whom are younger than I — they said that they thought "no problem," was more polite than "you're welcome." Am I the one who's out of touch?
No. You're not out of touch. There are two possible responses to a thank you, and "no problem" is not one of them. They are either:
1. You're welcome.
or
2. OMG! You're deigning to speak to me! HOLY FUCK! PLEASE SIGN MY CAST! PLEASE SIGN MY CAST!
The second one should be used only if I thanked you for letting me kick your ass in a chain fight.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Pisstilation/The Trickle Down Effect
I'm very sick right now. I have a cold. The doctor says it's not pneumonia, but neumonia sans "p." This got me thinking, what if I created my own holistic remedy as a way to add the p, and hopefully heal faster.
Here goes. I call it the Trickle Down Effect:
You'll need two willing ladies with full bladders, one jar, one metal pot, and a stove.
One girl sits over a jar in a squat position while another girl sits on top of her in the same position.
They both pee at the same time.
The girl on top, her pee trickles down into the vagina of the other girl and both sets of pee trickle down into the jar. Then, you take the double piss jar and boil out all the water until you are left with only a crystallized urea substance on the bottom of the pot.
Next, you scrape that off and put it into some hot water to make a urea tea.
And then you drink it.
When you are finished, get the girls in the same position that they were before and this time pee onto the girl on top while she pees onto the girl on the bottom while that girl pees into a jar.
Repeat over and over.
Eventually you will have a very strong and very potent jar of piss crystals.
I call it Pisstilation and I'm selling jars of triple-evaporated piss crystals for $24.99 with free shipping.
Enjoy!
Here goes. I call it the Trickle Down Effect:
You'll need two willing ladies with full bladders, one jar, one metal pot, and a stove.
One girl sits over a jar in a squat position while another girl sits on top of her in the same position.
They both pee at the same time.
The girl on top, her pee trickles down into the vagina of the other girl and both sets of pee trickle down into the jar. Then, you take the double piss jar and boil out all the water until you are left with only a crystallized urea substance on the bottom of the pot.
Next, you scrape that off and put it into some hot water to make a urea tea.
And then you drink it.
When you are finished, get the girls in the same position that they were before and this time pee onto the girl on top while she pees onto the girl on the bottom while that girl pees into a jar.
Repeat over and over.
Eventually you will have a very strong and very potent jar of piss crystals.
I call it Pisstilation and I'm selling jars of triple-evaporated piss crystals for $24.99 with free shipping.
Enjoy!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Cousin Into the World
 |
Here are a few more Facebook updates from my wayward cousin.
http://lyndonandtheladybirds.blogspot.com/2011/09/school-startsit-begins.html
http://lyndonandtheladybirds.blogspot.com/2011/08/were-classy-bunch.html
She's been through a lot lately. I think she got a divorce. She's enrolled in cosmetology school. She's been out with her friends and taking the ubiquitous "duck face" shots. She's finding herself and using Lil' Wayne lyrics to express her frustration with her friends and lovers.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Bilbo Bloggins
I am dictating this. I am not going to edit it. I think I'm going to write a book this summer. I finished reading Stephen Kings, on writing, and it really struck a chord with me. I've always wanted to write fiction. But I usually get stuck in a rut or just do things that have to do with me. Or school.
I am reading this as I dictate. It is really shitty. Oh well. Anyway, Stephen King says that you don't have to have a plot when you start out. And that has always been my problem. I think that I have to lay out all the characters in the plot and have something interesting to say start to finish. But, I don't have to.
I can just go as the spirit moves me and write and write every morning for a little while and see where I go. I'll be out of school by then and I will have mornings free I hope. Unless, you have a job for me? Pretty please?
So, this summer will be hopefully no, not hopefully, most definitely an exercise in novel writing. Or, at least a novella.
Did I really just use words like "hopefully" and "hopeful" and "hope" 5000 times? Am I that terrible of a writer? Perhaps. Or I'm just that terrible of the speaker.
It is always easy to fall into clichés and hackneyed phrases and stiff stiff writing. But that's what editing is for and I'm not going to edit this post. I think it will be really shitty if this post was just as good as my previous posts because usually I edit those pretty well.
Again, I apologize for the desultory nature of this post.
I am reading this as I dictate. It is really shitty. Oh well. Anyway, Stephen King says that you don't have to have a plot when you start out. And that has always been my problem. I think that I have to lay out all the characters in the plot and have something interesting to say start to finish. But, I don't have to.
I can just go as the spirit moves me and write and write every morning for a little while and see where I go. I'll be out of school by then and I will have mornings free I hope. Unless, you have a job for me? Pretty please?
So, this summer will be hopefully no, not hopefully, most definitely an exercise in novel writing. Or, at least a novella.
Did I really just use words like "hopefully" and "hopeful" and "hope" 5000 times? Am I that terrible of a writer? Perhaps. Or I'm just that terrible of the speaker.
It is always easy to fall into clichés and hackneyed phrases and stiff stiff writing. But that's what editing is for and I'm not going to edit this post. I think it will be really shitty if this post was just as good as my previous posts because usually I edit those pretty well.
Again, I apologize for the desultory nature of this post.
Monday, January 2, 2012
So Much Good Stuff
I'm finishing up my law school applications. This means I need to delve into my past, drudge up some shit about my family and hope they let me in. It's exasperating and cathartic. So, there's that. Speaking of my family, stay tuned for an all new Facebookin' With Ma Cuzzin
. There's some really good stuff. I mean, unbelievable.
. There's some really good stuff. I mean, unbelievable.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Incommunicado
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good luck getting out your family's clutches long enough to get down to bar to hang out with your college buddies.
I've been thinking about technology lately and its implications on society. Why are people so afraid of/angry at texting and cell phones in general? By this I mean that the curmudgeons who write into their local newspaper editorial board constantly bemoan the rudeness and the general insensitivity people show when they're on their cell phones.
"They don't look where they're going!"
"Those people on their cell phones need to hang up and drive. More than once I've had to swerve to avoid being sideswiped by some texting fool!"
While it is probably not too safe to text and drive, texting and staring at one's cell phone is not indicative of a crumbling society. In fact, I think it just reaffirms that humans love to connect on a deep level. Texting is the new letter writing. There was a time in between the death of the eloquent longhand epistle (sometime in the sixties?) and texting where we could only communicate with the people in our immediate circle. We could call them, but generally immediate communications took place face to face.
When email, instant messages, text messages,and the IRC became popular in the 80s and 90s it created opportunities to communicate instantaneously with people around the world, people with whom we actually wish to talk to.
Texting is an extension of this. The fact that we have mobile devices that allow instant communications with our friends and family who happen to not live in our area just shows how starved we were to connect with our inner circle.
If those oldies had had iPhones in the 50s they would've used them just as prodigiously.
Technology is good, or at least neutral. Texting during dinner is certainly rude, but is not an indictment of an entire generation. I can't wait to see what I complain about when my kids are teens.
I've been thinking about technology lately and its implications on society. Why are people so afraid of/angry at texting and cell phones in general? By this I mean that the curmudgeons who write into their local newspaper editorial board constantly bemoan the rudeness and the general insensitivity people show when they're on their cell phones.
"They don't look where they're going!"
"Those people on their cell phones need to hang up and drive. More than once I've had to swerve to avoid being sideswiped by some texting fool!"
While it is probably not too safe to text and drive, texting and staring at one's cell phone is not indicative of a crumbling society. In fact, I think it just reaffirms that humans love to connect on a deep level. Texting is the new letter writing. There was a time in between the death of the eloquent longhand epistle (sometime in the sixties?) and texting where we could only communicate with the people in our immediate circle. We could call them, but generally immediate communications took place face to face.
When email, instant messages, text messages,and the IRC became popular in the 80s and 90s it created opportunities to communicate instantaneously with people around the world, people with whom we actually wish to talk to.
Texting is an extension of this. The fact that we have mobile devices that allow instant communications with our friends and family who happen to not live in our area just shows how starved we were to connect with our inner circle.
If those oldies had had iPhones in the 50s they would've used them just as prodigiously.
Technology is good, or at least neutral. Texting during dinner is certainly rude, but is not an indictment of an entire generation. I can't wait to see what I complain about when my kids are teens.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Ever Heard of Skrillex?
There was a huge sold-out show here in Tampa the other night. Skrillex (Sonny John Moore, according to Wikipedia) came to town and apparently rocked the house. Intrigued, I gave into the hype and sampled some of his music on iTunes. Good lord. It. Is. Shit.
It sounds like someone took Trent Reznor's "Other" folder of music off his Mac and threw it into GarageBand and hit play on all the tracks all at once. It sounds like a robot taking a shit. It's dubstep, apparently. Dubstep is a much-maligned genre of music that the young kids like. I have (had) nothing against it because I'd never actually taken the time to listen to it.
When people make fun of it on Twitter or Reddit, I ignore it in the same way I ignore posts about video games. However, if this is dubstep, dubstep sucks balls.
I'm not against electronic music. I like Kraftwerk and Nine Inch Nails, goddammit! I took my wife to see Girl Talk and I enjoyed it. But this, this is crap. And it's unbelievably popular.
Whatever. To each his own, but come on, young people. There's better music out there than Skrillex's Cacophony of Truck Nutz Hitting Pavement While Babies Scream.
Curmudgeon out.
It sounds like someone took Trent Reznor's "Other" folder of music off his Mac and threw it into GarageBand and hit play on all the tracks all at once. It sounds like a robot taking a shit. It's dubstep, apparently. Dubstep is a much-maligned genre of music that the young kids like. I have (had) nothing against it because I'd never actually taken the time to listen to it.
When people make fun of it on Twitter or Reddit, I ignore it in the same way I ignore posts about video games. However, if this is dubstep, dubstep sucks balls.
I'm not against electronic music. I like Kraftwerk and Nine Inch Nails, goddammit! I took my wife to see Girl Talk and I enjoyed it. But this, this is crap. And it's unbelievably popular.
Whatever. To each his own, but come on, young people. There's better music out there than Skrillex's Cacophony of Truck Nutz Hitting Pavement While Babies Scream.
Curmudgeon out.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Things That Annoy Me...Today
Here is a list of things that have been lodged in my brain, festering and waiting to be expelled.
1. Appearances Matter:
Just because your 100 pound pit bull is a sweet girl who wouldn't kill a soul doesn't mean that you should keep her off her leash while you wash your car. Calling it with trepidation as she ambles across the street toward me and my puppy is not effective. Keep that goddamn dog inside.
2. Collar Stay:
When I first started working out I put collars on my weights when I did the bench press. The one time I didn't some woman who worked at the gym walked by me and ushered a peremptory command. "I'd better see collars on those weights!" I dutifully obeyed. I jumped right up and put those clips on my meager weights.
Luckily I came to my senses.
You don't need to put collars on your bench weights.
Why? Because if you overestimate how much you can handle, even in a busy gym, and you can't tip the bar side-to-side, it'll fall on your neck and kill you.
I see people at the gym all the time who do this. It's irritating but I'm not going to be that guy who dispenses advice. Kill yourself for all I care. It'll make the gym less crowded.
3. Do I want to kill myself?
Do I like when people ask questions to a question? No. Does it make me want to claw their eyes out? Absolutely. Does it really annoy me when people answer their own questions with "definitely"? Definitely.
4. Christmas carols:
My last post was about Christmas carols and how I despise them. I still hate them and I can't wait for the New Year when all these fucks who love Christmas carols get their hands blown off while shooting bottle rockets at their neighbor's trailer.
1. Appearances Matter:
Just because your 100 pound pit bull is a sweet girl who wouldn't kill a soul doesn't mean that you should keep her off her leash while you wash your car. Calling it with trepidation as she ambles across the street toward me and my puppy is not effective. Keep that goddamn dog inside.
2. Collar Stay:
When I first started working out I put collars on my weights when I did the bench press. The one time I didn't some woman who worked at the gym walked by me and ushered a peremptory command. "I'd better see collars on those weights!" I dutifully obeyed. I jumped right up and put those clips on my meager weights.
Luckily I came to my senses.
You don't need to put collars on your bench weights.
Why? Because if you overestimate how much you can handle, even in a busy gym, and you can't tip the bar side-to-side, it'll fall on your neck and kill you.
I see people at the gym all the time who do this. It's irritating but I'm not going to be that guy who dispenses advice. Kill yourself for all I care. It'll make the gym less crowded.
3. Do I want to kill myself?
Do I like when people ask questions to a question? No. Does it make me want to claw their eyes out? Absolutely. Does it really annoy me when people answer their own questions with "definitely"? Definitely.
4. Christmas carols:
My last post was about Christmas carols and how I despise them. I still hate them and I can't wait for the New Year when all these fucks who love Christmas carols get their hands blown off while shooting bottle rockets at their neighbor's trailer.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Christmas Music
There are many things I would do to eliminate Christmas music. I hate it that much.
I would inflict a triple Holocaust on every child, puppy, and kitten in America if I didn't have to hear Brenda Lee warble, "Rocking around the Christmas tree have a happy holiday..." I would drill another couple of holes into my penis and put it on display in the window of Macy's in New York City on Christmas Eve so that no one would ever have to hear Sinatra belt out "Have yourself a merry little Christmas."
I would allow my firstborn child to be left in a manger scene in the middle of a Norwegian December so that no one will ever have to hear "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ever again.
It's truly the least wonderful time of the year. I don't hate all the songs equally, however. I have three levels of hate for Christmas songs.
The first level are the songs that actually deal with the myth of Christmas. These include, O Holy Night, Silent Night, Joy to the World, etc. These I hate the least probably because they're the ones I hear the least. As we've become more secularized (taken the Christ out of Christmas perhaps?) these songs get fewer and fewer plays in the shopping malls, in the concert halls, be cool or be cast out. Wrong song.
The second level are the ones I just mentioned. These are the trite and vapid songs we've all heard thousands of times. Don't forget White Christmas, Silver Bells, and Up on the Rooftop. If your grandparents sang them in the 50's, they're probably in heavy rotation today. Also included in this second tier are the shitty "comic" songs like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and the songs that were written for terrible specials in the sixties. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman get thrown in this category.
The third and most hated level are the Christmas songs done by otherwise talented artists. I heard a song the other day I'm sure was Fountains of Wayne. Turns out, I was right. It's called "I Want an Alien for Christmas." It's typical of FOW's music, in that it's catchy and fun. But why do they sink to the bottom with this bullshit?
How about Scott Weiland? Have yourself a warbly little Christmas.I like STP. I'll admit it. They have some good songs. Big Bang Baby is catchy as hell. Yet, this shit sucks.
Frat boys love Jack Johnson. He's not my thing, but I have no animus toward him. Correction: had any animus toward him. He's giving us Johnsons a bad name.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer sucks huge reindeer cock and always has. Only preschoolers think it's cute. Jack Johnson figured out a way to make it worse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPp4zLj3208
How? By making it even more irritatingly whimsical and precious. I hope the next time he plays guitar with his bros at a bonfire his guitar acts as an accelerant and turns him into Christmas ash.
Ugh. Now I'm angry and disaffected. Kind of like the subject of this song.
Nowhere is the misfit or the dreamer so alone.
I would inflict a triple Holocaust on every child, puppy, and kitten in America if I didn't have to hear Brenda Lee warble, "Rocking around the Christmas tree have a happy holiday..." I would drill another couple of holes into my penis and put it on display in the window of Macy's in New York City on Christmas Eve so that no one would ever have to hear Sinatra belt out "Have yourself a merry little Christmas."
I would allow my firstborn child to be left in a manger scene in the middle of a Norwegian December so that no one will ever have to hear "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ever again.
It's truly the least wonderful time of the year. I don't hate all the songs equally, however. I have three levels of hate for Christmas songs.
The first level are the songs that actually deal with the myth of Christmas. These include, O Holy Night, Silent Night, Joy to the World, etc. These I hate the least probably because they're the ones I hear the least. As we've become more secularized (taken the Christ out of Christmas perhaps?) these songs get fewer and fewer plays in the shopping malls, in the concert halls, be cool or be cast out. Wrong song.
The second level are the ones I just mentioned. These are the trite and vapid songs we've all heard thousands of times. Don't forget White Christmas, Silver Bells, and Up on the Rooftop. If your grandparents sang them in the 50's, they're probably in heavy rotation today. Also included in this second tier are the shitty "comic" songs like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and the songs that were written for terrible specials in the sixties. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman get thrown in this category.
The third and most hated level are the Christmas songs done by otherwise talented artists. I heard a song the other day I'm sure was Fountains of Wayne. Turns out, I was right. It's called "I Want an Alien for Christmas." It's typical of FOW's music, in that it's catchy and fun. But why do they sink to the bottom with this bullshit?
How about Scott Weiland? Have yourself a warbly little Christmas.I like STP. I'll admit it. They have some good songs. Big Bang Baby is catchy as hell. Yet, this shit sucks.
Frat boys love Jack Johnson. He's not my thing, but I have no animus toward him. Correction: had any animus toward him. He's giving us Johnsons a bad name.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer sucks huge reindeer cock and always has. Only preschoolers think it's cute. Jack Johnson figured out a way to make it worse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPp4zLj3208
How? By making it even more irritatingly whimsical and precious. I hope the next time he plays guitar with his bros at a bonfire his guitar acts as an accelerant and turns him into Christmas ash.
Ugh. Now I'm angry and disaffected. Kind of like the subject of this song.
Nowhere is the misfit or the dreamer so alone.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Real Quick
In a few weeks I'll be changing from lyndonandtheladybirds.blogspot.com to http://www.lyndonsopinions.blogspot.com Please change your bookmarks accordingly. I'll keep the same content, just a different name. See the post below for a fuller explanation. Type rest of the post here
Friday, December 2, 2011
Lyndon's Opinions
I've been doing this blog since, HOLY SHIT, December 12, 2007. I could've sworn that it was 2009 when I started this thing. No matter. I've decided to make a few changes. First of all, I'm changing the name to Lyndon's Opinions. I chose Lyndon and the Ladybirds because it was cute and I wanted it to be a collaboration with my wife, the honorable Ladybird Johnson. However, she has her own blog now and it is a style and food blog. It's awesome, but it's her thing. She's contributed a few things over the years, but not enough to call it a true collaboration. Therefore, I'm retiring the name Lyndon and the Ladybirds in order focus exclusively on my dumb rants.
I also enlisted Samuel Johnson, the real name of LBJ's bro, to write and collaborate. He has, like Ladybird, done his own thing. I am happy for him and wish him success. Both are always welcome to contribute. This name change reflects a new start.
For now I'm going to stick with blogger. Tumblr is easier to use and Wordpress has more features, but blogger is what I'm used to. If that changes you folks will be the first to know.
In the coming weeks I'm going to change the layout and the color scheme. This green has served me well, but it's time to mix it up. I'll update some links and provide some new links to new blogs and people I like.
Have you followed me on Twitter to get the latest news and funny stuff I say?
I'm also going to look into monetizing this blog with some Adwords. I asked a friend who has successfully monetized her blog what I needed to do. She had one initialism for me: S.E.O. Stop Eating Olives. I don't like olives, so I told her that I never ate them. She said that she was telling me this because my breath smelled like olives.
After I brushed my teeth, she gave me another initialism to ponder: S.E.O. "It's the same one, goddammit!" I yelled. However, this time she said it stands for Search Engine Optimization. The higher in the rankings I get my blog when someone searches for a term, the more money I make if they click on an advertisement on my page. Or something. Regardless, I know I need to buy some keywords, some adWords, that people will search for and I'll make some money.
Unfortunately, I can't afford Google's high prices for their words. So, I'm going to buy some Excite Exclamations!!!, some AltaVista MoneySeeMoneyDo Words, and Dogpile FiDoughs to make some money. Once I build my brand there, I'll move onto Google, Bing and Yahoo. Who am I kidding? Just Google.
Beeteedub, before Google I used all three of those sites. To search for porn....
Here are some words I've purchased:
Apple
Apple Computers
Ceramics
Etsy
E-Bay
Cockrings
Spinach Pie
IPhone
I Suck at Golf
Blowjobs
Gingers
Grumble Grumble
Patton Oswalt
General Patton
Your Mom
Yo Mama
Dildos
Grandma
Grandma's Dildos
Alcoholics Anonymous
Captain Morgan
Tumblr
Journey
Steve Perry
Zune
Google
Global Warming
Jessica Biel
Stains
Twitter
Tweets
Twits
Tits
Titties
Boobs
Boobz
Elderly Lolita
Grandpa's Undies
Composting
Composting a Body
America Rules
America Sucks
Ambivalent Americans
Obesity
McDonald's
Why Do Jews
Why Do Muslims
Why Do White People
Why do Black People
Why Do Mexicans
Hold On by Wilson Phillips
Tina Fey
Tina Feyk
Shitted Beef
Henry Rollins
Henry Rollins College
Blister in the Sun
Blister in my Ass
Jar
JarJar
JarJarJar
asdfkjefkalsjfgsgsdg (My cat suggested that one)
How Do You
When Do You
Should You
Should I
Touch Me
Garfield
Huffington Post
Republicans
Democrats
Demoncrats
Tea Party
Boston Tea Party
Boston Steamer
Cleveland Steamer
Dear Abby
Dead Abby
Grace Kelly
Kentucky
KY
KY
KKKY
Gravity Boots
Fleshlight
Air Jordans
Air Jordache
King of Jordan
United Arab Emirates
United States of America
United States of Emirates
United Arab AMIRIGHT?
Ziggy Pop
Iggy Soda Pop
Duran Duran
Boy George
Boy, George
Boy, George You Really Fucked Up With Your Probation
Boy, George You Really Fucked Up that Probe
George W. Bush
George H.W. Bush
Jerbs
I also enlisted Samuel Johnson, the real name of LBJ's bro, to write and collaborate. He has, like Ladybird, done his own thing. I am happy for him and wish him success. Both are always welcome to contribute. This name change reflects a new start.
For now I'm going to stick with blogger. Tumblr is easier to use and Wordpress has more features, but blogger is what I'm used to. If that changes you folks will be the first to know.
In the coming weeks I'm going to change the layout and the color scheme. This green has served me well, but it's time to mix it up. I'll update some links and provide some new links to new blogs and people I like.
Have you followed me on Twitter to get the latest news and funny stuff I say?
I'm also going to look into monetizing this blog with some Adwords. I asked a friend who has successfully monetized her blog what I needed to do. She had one initialism for me: S.E.O. Stop Eating Olives. I don't like olives, so I told her that I never ate them. She said that she was telling me this because my breath smelled like olives.
After I brushed my teeth, she gave me another initialism to ponder: S.E.O. "It's the same one, goddammit!" I yelled. However, this time she said it stands for Search Engine Optimization. The higher in the rankings I get my blog when someone searches for a term, the more money I make if they click on an advertisement on my page. Or something. Regardless, I know I need to buy some keywords, some adWords, that people will search for and I'll make some money.
Unfortunately, I can't afford Google's high prices for their words. So, I'm going to buy some Excite Exclamations!!!, some AltaVista MoneySeeMoneyDo Words, and Dogpile FiDoughs to make some money. Once I build my brand there, I'll move onto Google, Bing and Yahoo. Who am I kidding? Just Google.
Beeteedub, before Google I used all three of those sites. To search for porn....
Here are some words I've purchased:
Apple
Apple Computers
Ceramics
Etsy
E-Bay
Cockrings
Spinach Pie
IPhone
I Suck at Golf
Blowjobs
Gingers
Grumble Grumble
Patton Oswalt
General Patton
Your Mom
Yo Mama
Dildos
Grandma
Grandma's Dildos
Alcoholics Anonymous
Captain Morgan
Tumblr
Journey
Steve Perry
Zune
Global Warming
Jessica Biel
Stains
Tweets
Twits
Tits
Titties
Boobs
Boobz
Elderly Lolita
Grandpa's Undies
Composting
Composting a Body
America Rules
America Sucks
Ambivalent Americans
Obesity
McDonald's
Why Do Jews
Why Do Muslims
Why Do White People
Why do Black People
Why Do Mexicans
Hold On by Wilson Phillips
Tina Fey
Tina Feyk
Shitted Beef
Henry Rollins
Henry Rollins College
Blister in the Sun
Blister in my Ass
Jar
JarJar
JarJarJar
asdfkjefkalsjfgsgsdg (My cat suggested that one)
How Do You
When Do You
Should You
Should I
Touch Me
Garfield
Huffington Post
Republicans
Democrats
Demoncrats
Tea Party
Boston Tea Party
Boston Steamer
Cleveland Steamer
Dear Abby
Dead Abby
Grace Kelly
Kentucky
KY
KY
KKKY
Gravity Boots
Fleshlight
Air Jordans
Air Jordache
King of Jordan
United Arab Emirates
United States of America
United States of Emirates
United Arab AMIRIGHT?
Ziggy Pop
Iggy Soda Pop
Duran Duran
Boy George
Boy, George
Boy, George You Really Fucked Up With Your Probation
Boy, George You Really Fucked Up that Probe
George W. Bush
George H.W. Bush
Jerbs
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