Stinkin' Thinkin'

What is it about working that give us a sense of purpose? As I sit here at my desk, Twittering, Facebooking, and reading about whatever interests me I wait for work to materialize. I would love to say, “not that I’m complaining.” But I can’t. I am complaining. For the past two weeks, I’ve been either extremely busy or doing my best not to fall asleep during the day.

I enjoy the downtime, especially after the wedding, but sometimes it’s disheartening to realize that I’ll be here for eight hours and have probably two hours of actual honest-to-goodness work to do.


Frankly it’s a dereliction of duty. Sometimes I feel like I am stealing from this company. Not literally, but in an ersatz way I’m getting paid to do nothing. And I hate it.

We need the money, I need the experience, so what’s the problem?

I’ve known people who routinely steal from the company for which they work. At first they feel like they’re getting away with something. Hey, a few extra bucks! A new ipod, cool! Over time, they begin to resent and eventually loathe the company.

Thieves begin to hate and resent the people from whom they steal. Material goods or not, it all comes with the same tragic set of circumstances. This is best exemplified with the Loser Friend. We all know him or her. You become friends as teenagers, in high school. You smoke pot together, talk about how cool it would be to go on the road. You might even discuss college. As time goes by your paths diverge. You mature. They don’t. You begin to dress like an adult, they don’t.

On a side note, at the mall I saw a twenty-something father wearing clothes that teenagers wear while carrying his baby. C’mon! Grow up! Peter Pan motherfucka.

Anyway...

You try to extricate yourself from your circumstances; they resign themselves to the same set of circumstances.

This breeds contempt. They begin to steal your success, as it were. The Loser cannot understand how you are now “so much better” than they. Their thievery manifests itself as a parasitic self-pity in which they bemoan the fact that you’re not as good of a friend as you once were. Truth is, you’re capable of being a better friend, but they don’t want support. The Loser Friend wants you to crawl back into your previous hole where you will languish and eventually the parasite will have overtake its host.

A quick explanation: The imagery is a little harsh, but I think it’s the most illustrative. Also, “Loser” doesn’t mean they’re hopeless, it just means they’re at a station in their life that, if you continue to stick around, will suck your motivation like a tape worm or other parasite.

So how does this relate to me? I feel contemptuous sometimes towards my company. Why? They believe I’m capable and worthy. They trust me. No, it’s my own fault. When I’m productive I’m thankful for my job. When I’m less so, any work given to me is an imposition on my time. I think, how can they do that? Can’t they see I’m busy doing my own thing?

It’s a psychological minefield. Luckily, I recognize it. I stop it. Even when I’m not busy, I try to make work or go home. If I have to be there for a client, I am still working just not actively being productive. I’m on reserve status, so to speak.

I try to live my life in such a way as to never have a guilty conscience. And I feel guilty for everything. The kind of “stinkin’ thinkin’” (Stuart Saves his Family, great movie for all of who grew up in a dysfunctional household) that breeds contempt has no place in a successful life. This is different than doubt, however. But that’s a different incoherent stream-of-consciousness rant on a blog nobody reads.

Theft comes in many forms. You have to realize you’re doing it before you can stop it. That’s the real difference between the Losers and everyone else. Ok, I’m off to find some work to do. I have a smile and I’m ready to rock and roll. After lunch, that is.